Slightly Depressing But Then Somewhat Hopeful Blog Post

Tonight a friend was telling me about her wedding day. Like everyone's , hers had some flaws. Her mother-in-law decided to give her the sex talk in the back of a gas station at 10 p.m. on her wedding night, and her own mom insisted on seeing them the next morning. Thankfully, these were not my experiences.

My wedding day was not ideal though. In all honesty, I avoid discussing my wedding day. It was probably one of the hardest days of my life, and one that doesn't bring back the best memories. I wouldn't trade my marriage to Jordan for anything, but I would probably trade my wedding day for almost anything. Well, except spiders and things of that creepy nature.

I feel like people never understand how difficult it is to be a convert sometimes. Both members of the Church and nonmembers. It isn't easy to have your LDS friends and family make small comments or do things that seem to seperate you or make you feel stupid. Whenever this happens I always assume it is unintentional, but that doesn't mean it doesn't hurt still. It isn't easy to awkwardly explain to nonmember friends and family why I wear garments, don't drink, and refuse to shop on Sunday. And it most certainly isn't easy to exlain to your mom and dad, who you love very much, why they can't be with you for your wedding day.

Instead of waking up with joy and excitement on my wedding day, I woke up in tears. I got in the shower at 4 a.m. and turned on the hot water until it felt like I could boil every emotion away. I stood there for more than an hour, just watching the steam rise and trying to numb myself.

Everyone always says, "But you made the right decision" with a big smile on their face. I think "So what?!" Nowhere does it say that making the right decision means it is going to hurt less. Sometimes making the right decision means you are going to suffer more than if you had made the wrong one. God doesn't guarantee an easy ride to those who sacrifice. He just asks us to follow Him, no matter what the consequence.

When I was thirteen my oldest sister Marissa got married. I watched with stars in my eyes as she got her makeup done, fixed her hair in the mirror, and had everyone fuss over her dress. I was in rapture when she walked down the aisle, holding my father's arm. I couldn't wait until I could be married, have a huge party, dance the night away, and then drive off knowing so many people loved me and wanted me to be happy.

Needless to say, I was crushed when my turn came. Not only did I lose that moment when my father would lovingly give me away, but I also lost the opportunity to be with the people I love the most. My wedding day was filled with strangers I wanted to run away from and heartbroken parents. I held back tears, plastered on smiles and waited for it all to be over.

It did end eventually, and when it did, I spent my first day as a married woman crying my eyes out wishing we had eloped.

I think the worst moment of the whole day was arriving at the luncheon. I was devastated to see my parents standing in a back corner with broken expressions. Not one member of my new family had approached them and tried to make them feel welcome. Everyone stood about talking merrily and simply ignored my parents. It felt as if they were saying, "You're not LDS, you're not one of us, we don't want you here."

I felt so estranged and seperated from everyone. Here I was, supposedly joining a new family, but all I could feel was their disapproval for my parents, and therefore me.

After that I wanted nothing more than to get away and be alone with Jordan. I was scared of being a new bride, and felt horrible guilt every time I thought of my parents. Now as a mother myself, I can't imagine all the pain I must have caused my mom. And for that I am deeply sorry.

Thankfully, time is a promotor of healing, and wedding days do not determine the quality of a marriage. I have enjoyed more than two and a half years of pure bliss living with Jordan and am looking forward to an eternity of even more. My marriage has been the greatest blessing of my life and I am so grateful nothing has the power to take that away, not even death.

God has the power to make good things come out of difficult beginnings - my life is a testament to this. No matter the situation, God can make it right if we have faith in Him. Despite all the hurt feelings, my mom is still my best friend and my dad is still my unsung hero. The love of a family is intended to be forever.

If my family can survive days like this, and even worse days that we have been through, then I know my family can make it through anything. I have felt the power of undconditional love. Both recieving it from my parents and giving it to my Jo.

The family is where we feel God's love for one another, and experience the power of forgiving others and being forgiven. Nothing is more precious to me than my family.

Love is what gives us the wings to soar to heaven, and family is the flight crew.