Trials

Lately I have been thinking about trials and how they affect us personally and also affect our relationships with everyone around us. Call me crazy, but I just spend a lot of time at home lying on the floor. Pregnancy is like my Aristotelian period - I have too much time to just sit and think.

Anyways. Trials.

Trials are a tricky business because everyone has unique trials that are singular to their experiences. They are often very personal and very sensitive. Trials are an inevitable part of the human experience (duh). Everyone in this world will have some sort of difficult trial, because even if it hasn't happened yet, there is sure to be an experience seemingly unbearable somewhere along the way. No one goes through life with only stubbed toes and scratches in their Lexus.

With that being said, trials can make people almost critical of one another. So many times people who have experienced something very difficult develop what I call the "At Least Syndrome." They look at their personal situation, and the struggles they are going through, and then judge others based upon that experience. So, when someone mentions something hard they are experiencing, another sufferer might say, "Well, at least ____." And it is usually a critical comment about how the complainer shouldn't even mention their struggles because they are nothing compared to the true sufferer's.

For example, a quadriplegic and a paraplegic are watching the Olympics together. The paraplegic turns to her friend and says, "I wish I wasn't in a wheelchair. It would be so fun to try ice-skating." The quadriplegic has two choices. She can either say, "How dare you complain about being in a wheelchair to me. At least you have the use of your arms. I can't even feed myself breakfast." And then she could brood in her offense and maintain the opinion that she is the greatest sufferer. Or, the quadriplegic could respond by saying, "I know what you mean, I've always thought it would be so thrilling to fly across the ice like that."

To all of us, and it may even be the case, the paraplegic is lucky because she can still use her arms. But, it isn't our place to decide who is lucky and who isn't. It is only our place to offer compassion and understanding whenever it is required of us. The paraplegic was not mentioning this to her friend because she wanted to convince the quadriplegic about how horrible her life is, but because she was looking for understanding, comfort, and support from someone she knew would be more than qualified to give it. It might be hard for her to discuss these disappointments with friends who play soccer, or swim, or can dance at the prom. So, without trying to be offensive, she reached out for a helping hand from someone who would be able to give it.

If the quadriplegic responds in anger and self-pity, (I'm not saying self-pity is horrible. We all need moments to wallow in the hardships we face - I fully believe it is part of coping), then both friends are hurt, left feeling isolated, and a wall has been placed where a bridge could have been built. If, instead, she responds with love and understanding, then both friends are edified. The paraplegic feels comfort and support, while the quadriplegic feels the increase in confidence and ability that comes with serving others.

Jordan gave me this example, and I really liked it. If someone, Bob, came up to Jordan and said he was very sad because he was going to miss the annual fishing trip to Canada with his dad this year, due to midterms, Jordan would never think, "How dare you talk to me about missing one vacation with your dad? At least you still have your father. I didn't even get to grow up with my dad." Now, Jordan might think, "Wow, how much fun would that be to go fishing for a week with your dad? I wish I could have done that as a kid." Which would be a totally appropriate response. But, he would never try to demean or throw another person's pain back in his face. He would say something like, "Sorry, man, that really stinks." Or, whatever men say in minimally emotional conversations. And he would mean it, without the thought ever crossing his mind that Bob was being "insensitive". Jordan would feel honored that Bob confided his true feelings rather than feeling like he had to pretend or not talk about it in order to not offend Jordan.

So many times people take their burdens and wrap themselves up as if it were a cloak, making everything else they experience a comment upon that trial. Indeed, there are some trials that affect every area of life. Depression makes it difficult to do almost everything: get out of bed, buy milk, make friends, find companionship. Losing a child might make it hard to see a car seat in a friend's car, or drive past an old favorite restaurant, or see other children in the grocery store. Undergoing chemotherapy might make it difficult to simply leave the house, because every other woman has a full head of hair but you. Our trials may feel all consuming, and sometimes they really are, but we should use our pain to help build others up rather than tear them down.

Everyone has their stuff, and everyone has a wound. Sometimes it is more obvious to onlookers, and sometimes it is hidden deep and invisible to people who would like to assume they have it so much worse than everyone else. The thing is, it doesn't matter who has it worse. All that matters is that we follow the Savior's admonition to lift up the heads that hang down.

What if you were experiencing something absolutely devastating, and you knelt down to pray, knowing this was the last place you had to turn? What if, when you prayed, you said, "I can't do this. This is too hard. I can't live through this. Please, help me," and the Savior responded with, "How dare you complain to me? I had to suffer the sins and pains of the whole world for all of time! I had to descend into the depths of hell and suffer unimaginable agony. So, whatever you are going through is nothing compared to what I had to do. Stop being so pathetic."

I am grateful to know my Savior would never respond in that way. Because, when I was in my own personal Gethsemane, and I needed Him more than ever, even if it seemed minute and silly to others, Christ was there saying, "Be of good cheer. I love you. I more than understand, and you may come to me with anything because I will always listen."

In the end, all of us are going to say something hurtful. It is part of human interaction and it is inevitable. And 99% of the time it was unintentional. When someone says something, or does something, or makes a mistake that seems to pour salt on your deepest wound, please, don't take offense, don't judge them, and always assume they did that thing with only kindness intended. Even if kindness is most certainly not what came out. We are all suffering in our own ways and we all need as much compassion and forgiveness as we can get.
But we are not called to wallow in the murkiness of our situations, we are called to rise above the pain and offer balm to those in need, even if our own hearts are still stinging.

P.S. I have been guilty of this very thing, a billion times over, but I will try to be a better person and friend in the future.

HUGS AND KISSES TO ALL!!