My Plan for Public Education

Teenagers have no hope nowadays. Everyone is doomed to be psychotic and socially demented. There are three main options for education – public school, private school, and home school – none of these offer possibility for normalcy.

Public school is the largest form of education in America and, in my opinion, has the most potential for functioning at a progressive level. This blog post is a proposal to our congressmen. It involves the layout for a new form of public education that will eliminate the mixing of complete idiots with the rest of the student body: something I have felt needs to be done for a long time now.

I think it would be a good idea to start the beginning of each year holding interviews with every student to determine their level of worth; this would appear to be a form of abuse, but we all must take one for the team at some point, and it is better to start the sorting too early than too late – after those teenagers with a shot at normalcy have been contaminated by the psychos.

You could take everyone who was a spoiled brat, think they should have everything their way, and sit around playing with their iphones during class and throw them all into a ghetto classroom, with no windows, no heating, and very uncomfortable chairs. They then can be instructed in military style – lots of yelling, belittling, and hard truths that must be swallowed if there is any hope for these rich snobs to function properly in a productive society.

Then you could take everyone who is just plain lazy and put them in a progressive program. These students would start the day doing janitorial work; vacuuming, dusting, cleaning bathrooms, and picking up gum, for example. After this, they would be given a choice of different jobs that no one wants to do, and require very little education, intelligence, and skill. Then the despised jobs of society would not fall on those with low socio-economic status who are capable of greater things, but lack the funds for a college education.

Next would be the average adolescent group. This would undoubtedly be the largest group and would function perfectly. It would be like normal high school, except better. These useful members of the small high school system wouldn’t have to deal with the spoiled brats, and useless lazies that often destroy their group projects and make education miserable. We all know how awful it is to be stuck with someone who pretends they can’t speak English, just to get out of a project, or who thinks your name doesn’t exist because the computer doesn’t recognize it, or who doesn’t do anything other than reapply lipstick for an entire class period. This group would be those who are relatively smart, can maintain a good G.P.A when they put forth some effort, and have the potential for filling all the necessary roles of society at a working level. They would be permitted to attend high school dances, be members of clubs, raise their hands in class, and play sports.

The last group would be the exceptionals. These would include natural geniuses who fall into no other category and therefore have the most potential for important contributions to the society at large. They would be part of a program taught by guest speakers who tour for this purpose. These speakers would teach in their area of expertise and would be more than qualified for this role. No longer would students be stuck listening to an uninformed teacher make up ridiculous answers to questions. And they wouldn’t have to waste time finding word definitions for their homework. The majority of their work would be self-motivated. They would be given the tools to invent, create, and discover anything they wanted. They would be able to choose a specific area of interest, such as art, literature, chemistry, or calculus. No grades would be given, only recognition and encouragement. What is the incentive to do well then? Well, if their input is not up to par with the other students’, they are sent back to the average student group, the lazy student group, or the spoiled brat student group – whichever fits their problem best.

If you support my ideas please feel free to sign your name on a petition I will be sending out to friends and family. We must step up and take control of the disgusting system as it now stands, and work hard to make it functional and positive for the rising generation.

Please – think of the children.

P.S. - If anyone is wondering why I chose to write something so offensive and ridiculous it is because I have been reading Mark Twain. I always thought I hated Mark Twain, but as I have been attempting to find the exceptional in his work I have discovered that he was a literary genius. Then I began to wonder why I always believed he was nothing more than a grouchy old man who wrote stupid stories without a point. I realized my high school English teacher ruined Mark Twain for me. She was not very well informed when it came to the overarching purpose to his apparently empty writing, and so I was left to believe there was no meaning behind his bad grammar and confusing narratives.

So to honor this previously unappreciated hero of American literature I decided to write something in a style imitating his. I have fallen far below his level of obnoxious expertise. But, alas, it is my best effort. If I have offended and also made an interesting point, then I shall be satisfied.