Desperation Confession

I've become that mother - the mother I never wanted to be. I am sitting here, shamelessly eating a ridiculous amount of potato salad, listening to my daughter scream from her crib, and blogging instead of studying for my exam, working, cleaning the bathroom, and doing the dishes.

I have hit that point where I say, "That's it! I don't care anymore! Go ride your bicycle off the roof if you want to, go eat a whole box of twinkies, and throw a ball in the house, but just give me ten minutes of peace."

To me, having an hour to sit in the mall and people-watch sounds like a party. I am tired of being alone in the house all day, I am tired of calling everyone I have known since the fourth grade only to hear they can't talk, and I am tired of binging on fattening carbs to try and mask my emotional pain.

Today, I am just plain tired of being a mom trapped in this small apartment. Gone are the days of flirting with so-and-so while we crammed for a final, gone are the days of only binging for social purposes, gone are the days of romantic late night walks, sleeping in until ten, and being surrounded by friends 24/7.

When I had Jo I promised myself I would never have a day where I wanted to throw down the laundry basket, dig out a pair of high heels, and run until I found my freedom again. But, like most, this promise has been broken.

I feel like the walls of my life have been imperceptibly shrinking in closer and closer until now I am trapped in a suffocating closet of chores, dinner, diapers, and penny-pinching. I can feel the cheerios creeping up higher and higher, trying to suffocate me.

I am desperate to scream "Let me out!" But afraid of screaming too loudly or the perfectionist who lives next door might judge me as an unfit mother. Instead, what comes out is a meager "I'm just tired" when Jordan asks me what is wrong.

But I can't take it anymore! If I sit here in silence, stuffing myself with potato salad and Oreos for one more day, I'm going to end up as one of those women Mormons talk about all hush-hush. "She just went crazy one day and left. Leaving her poor husband and five angelic boys without a note - No, she says she won't come back." Then they act all surprised! As if they can't believe she didn't love getting up at six every morning, continually folding laundry, and only getting a seven minute shower before someone screamed about soccer practice.

So I am going to say it - Loud and clear - BEING A MOM IS REALLY HARD!!! Spending day after day at home with a teething baby is emotionally, physically, and mentally draining. Everyone who works acts like you have all this time to paint your nails, soak in the tub, and do yoga in your living room. They don't realize that sometimes you can't even think straight there is so much to do.

They don't realize that some days I desperately wish I worked outside of the home; so when my husband pulls in at night I am not tempted to grab the car keys and book it to the Canadian border.

Sometimes I wish I could just dissolve into nothingness and not be ridden with guilt about the dirty floor, the dirty clothes, or the dirty diaper. To *poof* disappear and have no one know.

And the really sad part is, I don't even have anyone to tell this to! I call my husband, he is busy with a client, I call my mom, she is busy packing, I call my friend, she has to put her kid down for a nap, I call my sister, she is at gymnastics practice. So in a desperate attempt for communication I sit down and write a blog post about it! I sit down, and silently tell my keyboard - an inanimate object - that today was really bad. And that all I want is one good reason to put on makeup.

I feel isolated, exhausted, and ridiculously pathetic. I'm losing my sanity, and have eaten so much potato salad I feel sick.

There you have it. Call me a bad mom if you like, say I am a failure, fervently remind me of all the reasons I am so lucky, and reassure me that I am wasting time moping and missing out on these "precious moments that pass so quickly". Judge me all you want - you have my permission.

But, would you mind stopping by to do it? I could use the company.