Judging Success

I tried painting today – which was a very bad idea. Any time I try to do something remotely artistic it results in disaster and very low self-esteem. This, like most things in my life, got me to thinking, though. Why do I care so much that I can’t paint? Why does it give me emotional heartburn that every line is squiggly, or that my colors clash and things are disproportionate? I seriously throw myself into a miniature depression every time I try to do something artsy.

President Uchtdorf said that our ability to create is a divine gift from God and that we should enjoy it – but I can’t enjoy it! I want to make magnificent paintings, but all I come out with is bad bubble letters no one can read and blotchy colors. This is a serious flaw!

I have been thinking a lot about my flaws lately, it seems I have hit a point in my life where I have beaten down into a fetal position, and am still being kicked at from all directions. It isn’t that anything horrible has happened to me; I just don’t feel like I am conquering the world and molding myself into an admirable person.

I am taking Physics of the Human Body right now, which isn’t helping my self confidence. The homework is impossible to understand. I never get higher than an 80%. My understanding physics is like a deaf person trying to understand harmony – not going to happen. Based on the projection of my current velocity, miraculous powers need to intervene if I am going to graduate with a good G.P.A. This shouldn’t be a big deal; I haven’t even decided if I am going back for my Master’s or not. And I can afford a B on my transcript and still get into a good creative writing program. Why am I freaking out then?

It is because I am terrified of failure. If I fail, then I feel like I have disappointed every living creature and am of no value. I know that no one besides myself cares about what I splash onto a canvas, or what I get on my physics quiz, or what my hair looks like, but for some reason, I can’t help feeling guilty for every little thing I do wrong.

It is like I have this weird pass or fail mentality. I create this line through my life. If I can do enough things right and stay above it, then I pass the test of life, but if I am two points off and fall below the line, I might as well have not taken the class at all. This is sick and demented – I know – but I can’t be the only one who sometimes feels they are on the edge of an existence failure cliff.

I had an epiphany about all these ludicrous emotions the other night. Jordan was reading the scriptures to me, and I was reminded of President Monson’s memento “If you spend all your time judging others, you don’t have enough time to love them.” I think this applies to us too. If we spend all our time judging ourselves, then we don’t have any energy to appreciate our blessings and gifts. When I do nothing other than sit there and stare at my hideous acrylic creation, I don’t have time to enjoy my family, or enjoy writing, or enjoy collecting shells on the beach.

I also don’t have the time to enjoy serving others if I am constantly worrying about myself. I am so busy worrying about making myself perfect that I forget to worry about making others perfect. I wasn’t born so that I could be the best at everything all the time, I was born so I could help others learn about God, and then through that process become the kind of perfect God wants me to be.

God doesn’t care if my paintings look like ferret poo mixed with key lime pie, and he doesn’t want me to care about that either. He wants me to care about the things He cares about – my daughter, my husband, our family, my neighbors, and the kart man who sits outside the library.

Now, if I enjoy painting, and am pleased with what I create and feel good about myself while doing it, then that is a good thing and painting would be a good activity for me to engage in. But if I am going to have an emotional fit over it, then it is better if I just lay my weapon down and stop murdering myself along with the canvas.

A good life isn’t about being your idea of perfect; it is about being God’s idea of perfect. And His idea of perfect is someone who loves Him with their whole selves, is willing to be obedient in all places and times, and gladly serves wherever called.

The greatest fortune that man can possess
Is not vast wisdom or full treasure chests
But a precious gift, so great to behold
A wonderful, loving, heart of pure gold
I need to accept myself for the faulty woman that I am, and trust that, with some divine intervention, it will be good enough. When you have God on your side, no one can stand against you - not even yourself.

I am so glad true success doesn’t depend on intelligence, artistic skill, wealth, or other worldly measures of worth. I am so glad it depends on that strange and intangible part of ourselves that ties us to the eternities. God measures success by the condition of our souls. We just have to make sure our souls are in the right place; close enough for Him to reach them.