Quarter Life Crisis

I have written three blog posts in the last few days and have deleted them all. I simply can't find the words to describe how I am feeling right now. My life is a confusing conglomeration of stress, happiness, fun, school, and complete exhaustion. I feel like Ramonovich from Dostoevsky's Crime and Punishment - except I haven't killed anyone.

Somehow, I feel like I am always doing something wrong. Like I didn't make Josephine happy enough, or I didn't make a good enough dinner, or if I was smart then I would get 100% on every physics test, or my haircut is bad. Just dumb random things I know aren't true, but I can't help thinking.

I feel like I am floating along in an ocean of "human debris" without any direction or any real accomplishments. I am 21 years old, about to graduate, with a husband, a baby, and a future that is like looking into the blur on a very foggy day.

My bishop made a very interesting comment about me the other day. He said, "Your whole life is looking outward, focusing on that little baby in your arms, and focusing on your husband's doctorate programs, and focusing on making everyone else happy. Sometimes it is good to just focus on yourself for a few minutes."

Well, I tried this, and I think that is my problem. I have no idea what the hoozle I am doing. I am a million different things smashed together in a mess of ME. Does anyone else ever feel this way? Or does everyone else in the world know exactly who they are, exactly where they are going, and exactly what they want?

Sometimes I wish it was as simple as "My name is Kayleen Barlow, I am 21, I am a mother, a wife, a writer, and a nutcase." But it isn't that clear. I think probably because I won't let it be. I don't want to be just this or that. I want to be everything. I want to be a dancer on the Pennsylvania Ballet Company, I want to be a Pulitzer Prize winner, I want to be a renowned physicist, I want to be a pastry chef, and I want to be the best mom that ever lived.

The only thing is that I am not any of these things. I am an average dancer, a mediocre writer, horrible at physics, killer of anything pastry, and a mom who makes a thousand mistakes every day. Sometimes I scream out "Why can't I be perfect?" Then I collapse in tears on the bed, bury myself under all our pillows, and feel sorry for my lack of awesomeness. I usually fall asleep after about 20 minutes.

When I wake up, Jordan has made me pancakes, done the dishes, made Jo a giggle apparatus and gives me a hug. Jo smiles so big her eyes squint when she sees me and I can't help but squeeze her till she squeaks.

It is nice to know that I am loved, even if I am severely deficient. I have to remind myself that it is okay if I can't do everything and be everything. Because who I am must be good enough if I am so lucky as to have Jordan and so blessed to have my Jo. It is good to be loved - it makes me feel like so much more than I really am.

I am definitely not perfect, and I am always amazed at Jordan's patience with me, but I know that no matter who I am, or what I do, I have a home.

It is a wonderful thing to know that I will always be loved - it is like wearing a ray of sunshine in the middle of a winter storm.

So I am suffering a quarter life crisis. But I have an anchor that is holding me together in the midst of crashing waves and confusing signals. That anchor is God's love and his plan for me. Hopefully it will eventually lead me in the right direction. We all know I am definitely not qualified to be captain. I just need the faith to keep on going wherever he leads me - even if that is to the primary.

It is good to know he is always by my side. I would be totally lost without Him.